paleo plus jerks plus high hormones equals hangry me


Today I am SO grumpy and I credit that mostly to day 5 of strict 30-day cleanse – no sugar (aka alcohol), no grains, no dairy, no legumes and no processed foods. You may be wondering what this leaves (funny because leaves is actually the answer) to eat, and you are also probably wondering what would possess a person to do this. The answer is proteins, veggies, fruits and most nuts, and I get on extreme kicks from time to time in order to better myself. I’m actually reeling it in to avoid being an annoying person that no one can be around. I could be looking for alternative deodorants and get rid of the microwave (Adam would murder me), but I’m trying to be reasonable. I’m also doing this because I’m vein and want to look bomb in my fitted wedding dress come April. I have done this before and days 1-3 are easy, actually fun because I get all creative with my cooking. Days 4-6 are grumpy stages because I have a slight headache from sugar withdrawals and I realize the amount of energy and time I have put into food prep in just 3 days – like a months’ worth. And I realize I HAVE to go to the store on a weeknight now in order to not fail. I’m also super competitive and failing is not a viable option.

And on top of it some people are just straight-up greedy assholes. So I keep having thoughts like “I’m going to murder someone”. Then I start to worry about being framed and remind myself NOT to say this out loud (see prior blog about fear of being framed). They (the detectives investigating the murder I was framed for) would have a motive, me being hangry (verb: a state of uncontrolled anger stemming from hunger or cravings), and me saying the word “murder”. Luckily I have kept these thoughts to myself, well not anymore I guess.

I realize a strict diet I imposed on myself and greedy assholes are not real problems so I don’t have a real reason to feel this way. But also keep in mind I’m on my last week of the pill which is the highest dose of hormones and every once in a while, this is the week I have a screaming, crying, irrational break-down. And I know I am being so crazy during these times, but there is nothing in my power to keep the crazy at bay. It drives me nuts and I feel guilty when it happens. But then I remember it is not my fault I have a womb and am trying to be responsible so I can actually plan a family one day and have a hot bod for now, so I get over it.

Adam doesn’t seem to be experiencing The Grumpy Effect. This is probably because he is just happy to still be able to eat steak and bacon. While I am excited about the bacon part, I do not enjoy steak like most Texans do. I really don’t get the appeal and I actually get grossed out sometime. It is very hippie of me and I feel like a sub-par Texan, really American, because of it. I just would not pick to eat steak if I could eat something else, like crab and truffle fries. He also claims he didn’t drink alcohol or eat sweets during the week until he met me. I call bullshit. I think he meant it like my habits turned into his habits, not like he didn’t need those things until he met me. But who knows really.

I just got a snarky email from a greedy asshole that ends with “praying for your success”. These are moments when I question everything in my 8-5 life and consider responding with WWJD in text size 1000, even though I may lose my job. I’ll just go eat my fruit and turn on Mindy Kaling now.